I’m Not Who I Was — Grief, Motherhood, and Identity After Stillbirth

Vallen Webb (: 00:01

Hey love, welcome back to the Pregnancy, Loss, and Motherhood podcast. I'm your host Valen Webb, Briefman and postpartum doula mama for Earthside and one in Heaven, of course our sweet Evelyn, and of course your companion on this lifelong journey of grief, identity, healing, and growth. If you're new here, welcome. If you've been here forever, welcome. I'm so glad that you're here today. Today's episode is for every mom who's looked in the mirror after loss and thought, don't recognize her.

⁓ because that was me too. So today's episode, let's really talk about what happens to our identity after stillbirth, really any type of loss ⁓ and how it can begin to really reclaim the pieces.

of who we are or were with who we are becoming, if that makes sense. In all honesty guys, motherhood, even before Evelyn, motherhood changed me drastically. It broke my life that was before and...

I can say that now in a funny way because I'm so far from becoming a mom for the first time. It was hard. I was constantly fighting the need to be the best mom that I could be, that I was and I tried to be every day with the person that I was.

you know, moments before conception or the moments before I even gave birth. ⁓ I had spent, I mean, before I got pregnant with Caliana, I had spent the last six years in college and, you know, my undergraduate studies and partying and...

I was a wild one without a lot of direction or parental guidance. I turned 18 and basically my parents did not really care what I was doing. And so I was evolving, right? My priorities, my body, my time, my energy.

And I really started to lose parts of who I was in order to carry the new weight of who I was becoming. The weight of being a mom. And I will tell you, even if this sounds dramatic, being a mom is a heavy weight to carry. We are like the original fucking heavyweights.

And of course, I'm speaking from.

having children and so if you are here and you've lost a sweet baby and you don't have living children yet, I am so sorry. If this episode hurts you or pains you in any way, don't worry, feel free to leave, like find a different episode. I speak from my truth, my experience, and sometimes it's not what other people have experienced. So I just wanted to throw that out there.

So, but after losing those parts of myself that I had to let go of to become the mother that I was becoming, it wasn't just feeling lost, it was like I was erased. You know, I stopped partying, I stopped drinking, I mean, for the first year or two after I became a mom, I would still try to be the old me.

you know, and go to, you know, meet up with friends and our kids and like drink and...

I acted a fool once or twice, you know, and I just realized that's not who I wanted to be.

but it was hard because...

the people who always had depended on me being me.

it felt like maybe they didn't like the me I was becoming because I wasn't the same wild, unpredictable, fine person that I was known for being. ⁓ I was a bit more serious and you know I've always been a bit judgmental. ⁓

It's less than definitely, but my world is definitely less black and white than I used to believe. ⁓

I don't know about you, I don't know if you experienced having living children before you've lost a baby or maybe you haven't lost a baby, but you just love me so you're here and that's wonderful too. Because I have a lot of great sage advice for my wise 36 years so I'm here for you mama. But that's a big part of the identity before I had my stillbirth.

And then.

Moving on to.

I mean one of the biggest and deepest betrayals of stillbirth is how it breaks the trust that you have in your own body.

I remember thinking...

Val and how could you not know?

You had a knowing. You didn't know what that knowing was. But you knew something was wrong. And you didn't go in.

Or at least you had a nudge, you know, you had just a feeling, even a fleeting feeling of maybe something was off and you didn't go in. How do you not know your baby died when they're in your belly? Like what the fuck, Valen? It's your fault.

How did no one catch this?

Why didn't I listen to myself first and foremost? Why was I not, you know, but then the questions I really have to ask are why did nobody tell me that this could happen? Why was I not taught to look for warning signs of stillbirth?

You know, just general listen, if your baby's not moving how she's used to moving, comment.

And the funny thing is I did count the kicks, unquote, quick kicks. And what those actually were though, it was her body just moving around, but it felt like movement.

And how would I have known to distinguish those? How could I be so hard on myself?

When I went in to labor and my doula drove me to the hospital and we went through triage, found out her heart had stopped and all these things.

I I begged for a c-section for quite a while. Nobody would listen to me. Why didn't anyone listen to me? I didn't want to sit through labor in pain or not.

waking up to the fact that my baby's dead and I was in labor and I was gonna have to give birth. And that's what ended up happening. I ended up being in labor eight more hours because I decided to get an epidural because I couldn't face this pain. And so then the providers, the system in the hospital, and my intuition that I had trusted for the most part.

Suddenly none of it felt safe.

and the heaviness of the grief.

and the anger part of my grief shattered my relationship with my own body and my own instincts.

it made me realize I don't know myself very well.

But I know I'm not alone in that. know that for a lot of us, losing trust in our body and then being able to regain that.

or build it in a new way, in this new identity of ours, it's not easy, but it's definitely worth it.

Another really unique aspect of our identity piece with Stillbirth is mothering a baby that's not here.

Like, tell me how that doesn't damage your psyche. You know, there's, I just did a podcast recording with this woman named Melissa. And she was talking about.

how nobody could possibly, no other mother could possibly understand or view life as we do. Rightly so, and of course we don't wish that on any mother. But the way, the passionate way that she conveyed her message and her story and the way she felt was so powerful. And it really truly is, there's a unique ache

Trying to understand your identity as a mother when the world doesn't see your baby And for Melissa especially this was her first baby and nobody saw that But and if that's you not but if that's you and if that's you You need to know that you are still a mom

Like me, I didn't stop being a mother when Evelyn died. And not just because I had living children, ⁓ but because I was still Evelyn's mom. Now, the world didn't really reflect that back on me. There were people that didn't agree with how I was grieving or how I so openly talked about it from honestly the day that it happened.

I never shied away from sharing. There were a few times and people who I didn't feel safe around sharing, that's different. But we learn to mother our unliving babies in different ways. And...

whether it was in the name that I talk about her and I say her name and I talk about her legacy in the way that I'm building this business that's called Evelyn James and Company. It's in the ways that I show up for other families, know, for myself, for my living children, for my husband, for my friends, for my podcast.

mothering a not alive baby looks so different and

our identity and the way we see ourself shifts.

and how we're parenting a baby that's no longer here. If that makes sense to you. I know I'm like being a little quiet because my dad is here visiting so our son has been displaced to our room. My oldest, my four year old son and so him and John are sleeping in the room with this wall on this wall.

and Bodie hasn't been sleeping so I'm like and my door is open and I just did not want to get up to shut it so that's just so know if you're if you're ⁓ og here and like I sound quiet that's

And then there's the

piece of our identity, ⁓ pressure to get back to ourself after loss and it's you know not not uniquely just after loss you know it's after pregnancy bounce back six weeks you know you should have your bikini body I mean just all this crap but especially when you lose a child

And the truth of the matter is that that bitch is gone. That woman died with her baby. I mean, and you do not have to agree with me. This is how I feel. That version of me, there will always be a piece of her in me, right? ⁓

I believe that I carry pieces of every version of me still inside. I don't believe that they fully die. Because I still believe that they surface sometimes during certain periods of life or things that happen as a way to protect ourselves.

So.

The woman you were before your baby died, she probably doesn't live here anymore.

And that's not a failure. It's raw transformation. You are not who you were. There is no way you could be that person anymore with the experience, that grief and love that you carry and the new lens that you see the world in now. You're just not who you were.

And for a lot of us though, that's really hard because of course we loved ourselves, hopefully.

and ⁓

Even though that version of us may have transformed and may not fully be here anymore, we can still honor that version of us.

Just like.

we can honor who we're becoming now.

And so the question is, what if you could decide who you want to be now?

And it's also a reminder that you can decide.

And so of course, this is where we kind of talk about mindset and how it helps because I believe with quite a hundred percent certainty that.

doing mindset work, learning how our brain works, learning how to change our thought processes, and learning how our feelings and our emotions and our habits work can really change our life, because it did for me. And so I really want you to think about how to start.

I even want to say reclaiming your identity because that would imply to get back that person. But building our identity with intention. And again, this is where my mindset work really changed the game for me. I stopped asking things like, when am I going to feel like me again? When is this going to end? Why am I not over this already?

all these things that I honestly think we mirrored from other people because why would we be over this?

And so I started asking like, what do I want? Who do I want to be? Who am I becoming right now? Like, who have I been acting like? What have I been acting like? Have I been kind and more empathetic and compassionate? Have I been softer? And really those shift, that shift, the tiny, the conscious questioning was everything. like questioning.

Yeah, it was learning how to become aware of who I was becoming. Not just letting things happen, right? Letting life happen to me.

Because we don't find ourselves after loss, we rebuild or, you know, build anew is what I would say.

And we build that identity by every boundary we set, every new boundary we set, ⁓ every breath that we take, every day we wake up and we survive and we say, am fucking here and I'm going to live this life as best as I can.

We build ourselves anew by, you know, with every choice that we make.

making sure that it fits who we are and how we feel. Is this what I need right now? Does this feel good? Does this feel bad? Is this gonna support my life that I want? And honestly, when you start showing up for yourself like that over and over, it adds up. That repetition.

The repetition is what builds those new neural pathways. Over and over again, that's what creates new habits. It helps form the new you. And it's also the healing. And so I want you to, if you're in this phase, because if you're listening to this podcast episode and, this chair squeak, it's driving me nuts. ⁓ If you're not here yet,

Okay, I'm six years out. Almost six years out from my loss. You may not be to this point yet where you're done in the acute grief, you know, like the really heavy first few years.

⁓

But I really want you, if you're ready to just start anchoring into who you're becoming, here's the truth that I want you to take with you today. You get to decide who you are now. You get to carry the version of you that died with honor while and still stepping into a future that feels rooted in who you're becoming. You don't owe the world.

your old self. You don't know anybody your old self. You owe yourself your truest self. I'm probably going to confuse you guys with all the word selves. And that version of you, she's powerful. She's healing. She's still a mother. And so before we wrap up, here's your journaling prompt for today. If you feel up for it.

What parts of me did I lose when my baby died?

And what parts am I ready to rebuild with love and intention? What parts of me did I lose when my baby died? And what parts am I ready to be rebuilt with love and intention? Sit with it, it raw, don't judge it, throw it out, burn it, spit on it, whatever, when you're done, like.

I will put it also in the show notes so if you're driving or doing laundry or something, ⁓ you can take a look at it later. And then before you go, I just want to remind you that you can still get my discount with White Elm. ⁓ White Elm is my work bag, my diaper bag, my on the go bag, like literally fits my whole life. ⁓

and it's one of the few things that I will ever share with you because I'm obsessed with it and I love it and I own it. ⁓ You can grab one, I think it's whiteelm.shop, anyways the discount code is now on web. You'll also be able to find that in the show notes.

Make sure to join the email list for weekly tools and podcast updates and notes from me. You can also get that link in the show notes. And I just always want you to remember, you're not broken. You're not broken. You're not broken. You're becoming. Talk soon, love. See you next week for a new episode.