Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids — Even If You Weren’t Raised That Way

Vallen Webb (: 00:01

Hey love, welcome to another episode of the Mindset Shifts for Moms podcast. So happy you're here today. Today's episode is really for parents, moms who've thought like, I want to raise my kids differently, but I'm not sure where to start. I don't know how to change. I don't know how to model that for them because I've never experienced emotionally intelligent

being like being that way. And if you weren't raised by emotionally aware parents or maybe emotions were ignored or shamed or you know just everything exploded around you and was really chaotic. You may feel like you're learning how to emotionally regulate while trying to teach it to your kids. I just want you to know that that's okay. You are not behind. You're literally breaking that

cycle of emotional abuse. And so really we're just let's talk about how to raise emotionally intelligent kids by modeling it ourselves. Even if you are still in the learning process, learning what emotional intelligence looks like for yourself in your own life. And I really want you to understand like

Every day, every day I may have a misstep or my...

my just emotional unintelligence jumps out somewhere when I'm like triggered or activated or my kid says something like I used to say as a teenager and I'll respond how my mom responded or how my dad responded. I'm like, no, no, okay, I take it back. But the awareness is there. I'm so hyper aware because I know how I want my kids to grow up and I know how I...

want them to be. know how and which is themselves. I want them to be themselves. I don't want them to follow the leaders or you know be a follower. I don't want them to just you know just commit to our culture and everything that is going on. I want them to be individuals and a big part of that is emotional regulation because there's so many humans who don't

even know where to begin with that. And so I think it's so important. don't think, I mean, I haven't found anybody really that, and not that there isn't people who do it, but mindset and motherhood and talking about how that affects our children and how we can change it and, you know, how we can take personal responsibility and really make our life the way we want it to, support our kids through the hardest part of being a human, which is...

I mean, I'm sorry, I think like the teenage years and young adult life, like I feel like everything before 30 was really difficult and really hard. And mostly because I didn't have those emotional regulating, you know, emotional regulating intelligence. I didn't know how to handle my emotions. I didn't know I could control that. I always thought that's what people did. They led with their emotions, like, and you react.

you know, instead of pausing to respond. So that's where I'm coming from. I'm curious if that's how you feel too. You can always leave me a comment on the podcast. Let me know. So let's talk about, let's kind of define it. Like what is emotional intelligence? And basically it is the ability to recognize your own emotions, understanding what they're telling you when you're experiencing them.

your ability to manage how you express them. So again, not reacting, but responding. The ability to recognize and empathize with the emotions of others. And then according to Daniel Goldman, he popularized EQ or emotional intelligence. It's made up of these five key skills. So self-awareness. So I talked about the awareness that I know when...

The old me is popping out. I'm aware. Self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. So if we don't have these skills, which by the way, they are learned. I mean, empathy, feel a lot of us are pretty...

predisposed to empathy, like being empathetic once we hit the milestone of our brain development that understands empathy because young kids don't have that yet. But we have to have these skills in order to be emotionally intelligent. And please let me know if you've actually like as a kid, a teenager, like did your parents actually teach you these things? Did they teach you how to be self-aware? Like what that means?

Self-regulating, learning how to handle your emotions, learning how to handle them when they come up. Motivation and how that comes out and how you motivate yourself. And the motivation to be emotionally intelligent. Your empathy and your social skills. I would love to know if you were taught those things.

I was not. lot of them, no, I was not. And an interesting fact, research shows that emotional intelligence is a better predictor of success than IQ in both relationships and the workplace. And honestly, it makes so much sense because emotional intelligence also

When you have the skills to be emotionally intelligent, so those five skills, you will be an excellent communicator. And then of course your relationships and working, you know, your workplace would be so much better because you can communicate. You can set boundaries. You can respond instead of react. I mean, it all makes sense, right?

Okay, let's kind of talk about why emotional intelligence matters for kids. So typically kids with higher EQ, emotional intelligence tend to do better academically. They have healthier friendships and relationships. They tend to struggle less with anxiety, depression or aggression because again, they understand their self-aware. They know how to regulate their emotions and they

understand they can recognize their own emotion and they can understand what they're telling them. So when we have these feelings of anxiety, depression or aggression, which I feel most of us think it's a feeling and it's just a way of being and that it's never going to change. So they struggle us with that. And then they have higher self-esteem and they're more resilient than kids who are not emotionally intelligent. Okay. So

And so why is this important? Why emotional intelligence matters for our kids? Okay, so let's think about this. Kids with higher emotional intelligence tend to do better academically. They have healthier friendships and relationships. They typically struggle less with anxiety, depression, and aggression, which doesn't that make so much sense because if they have those skills of self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation,

being able to understand their emotions and knowing what they mean, I think that would help not just children, but adults, everybody understand that there is a way to get out of the depression and the anxiety. You know, not 100%, I know there's, it's a spectrum, it's on the spectrum, right? From

none to the worst, know, in depression and anxiety. So I'm not saying you can completely heal it or get rid of it.

But having these skills will allow us to really understand if it's depression or if there's something else underneath the sadness and the melancholy. And then kids also tend to have higher self-esteem and resilience. And that all makes so much sense. I'm going to read you a couple stats because I think that

ut these are some studies. So: 2011

improve children's academic performance by 11 percentile points. And again, this is social emotional learning. These are the skills needed to be emotionally intelligent, right? And 11 percentile points may not seem like a big number, but it truly is in terms of academic points and the way they count. And then there's another study in child development.

that found kids with strong emotional skills in kindergarten were more likely to graduate high school and have stable employment by age 25. And I could say a lot about traditional school. I'm not for it. think like these are the types of things we should be learning. But anyway, I'm not gonna go on a tinder right now. So the takeaway, how we handle emotions in our home.

shapes our child's lifelong mental, emotional, and even financial health. So it is like the backbone of their life, learning how to be emotionally intelligent. And so we're back to the what if you were not raised that way. And I was one of those kids. So here's the truth. Most of us were not raised with these tools. And if you grew up in like a

suck it up or stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about kind of home or where your emotions were too big too much or too ignored you were sent to your room you are more likely you are likely not parenting without blueprint you were likely parenting without a blueprint I think I said that correctly so you didn't have framework you didn't have a blueprint you didn't have a plan you didn't know how

and that's why it can feel so hard. But as you are learning how to do this, you become the blueprint. You are teaching your child to feel what they feel without shame.

to express emotions instead of stuffing them down like we did.

regulate, not suppress it. Okay. And it doesn't matter that you didn't have it modeled. You can become the model. It is literally never too late. It is not too late. So how this is like my favorite part of the episode is when we can kind of

How do we do it, right? How to model emotional intelligence, even when it's really, really, really hard.

Let's see, remember guys, I have a script that I write out so that I have like, I don't get lost and I don't go off on tangents. Okay, I'm gonna tell you a story that actually happened today with my girls and I was so proud and it showed me how emotionally intelligent my oldest is really becoming and it makes me so proud because,

not proud of just her, but of me because I have modeled this for her. and so I even wrote this little story down. Okay. So Callie was talking about her lunch aid or lunch helper. and she was, I guess the kids were being super loud at lunchtime and she, she was, apparently getting like

flustered or frustrated or overwhelmed. And she was like making idle threads. Like if you don't quiet, I'm going to cut lunchtime short and not let you eat and all this stuff. And Callie immediately, she's a rule follower, but she also knows what's right and wrong. And so she immediately goes, you can't do that. We have to be able to eat. Violet chimes in.

like while we're having this conversation after Kelly told me what she said. And Violet's like, yeah, I don't like her at all. She's really mean. And Kelly goes, she's doing the best she can, Violet.

And I'm like.

You like she she just amazes me sometimes. She has that. This is this is not OK. And you're really upset or frustrated right now. But. You can't do that, and. I know you're trying the best that you can. Because it is really hard right now, because she's always telling me how like how loud the kids are at lunchtime and. It's just so it's just.

I've modeled those things for her. And I didn't even think they were probably important at the time.

I always try to do what is best for me, my family, and anybody I come in contact with. I wanna leave them happier. I wanna leave them knowing they're loved or they're cared about or thought about. And so let's break this down, how it can actually look in everyday life. So one, we can really narrate our emotions in real time. I did this a few days ago because I had an outburst in the kitchen.

I don't know about you guys, but I really dislike when people are in the kitchen when I'm trying to cook. It's like my Zen time of day, you know, beginning of the evening. And I love just, I love cutting things up. I love, you know, adding seasonings and doing all these things and doing it slowly and watching Good Witch on Alexa and doing my thing. And so everybody's

budget like there's four other people in the kitchen besides me and there's a one and a half year old there's a four year old there's an 11 year old and my husband how many is that yeah four and they were driving me crazy and so i like had a big it from outwards i'm like get out of here like i'm trying to you guys know better this is mine and then i had to take it

you know, take a step and I had to be like, listen, I was so frustrated and really overwhelmed when you guys were all in the kitchen. I'm, you know, I'm sorry that I yelled that was not okay. I just, like I said, you know, I get really overwhelmed sometimes. it's just modeling communication, explaining what's going on, knowing what's going on within yourself and what's happening. I think that is what took me the longest.

I couldn't differentiate between just kind of being sad because of the weather, because I also like get really affected by the seasons, know, less sun, all that. And so I get down a little bit in winter. But is that, is that my, you know, seasonal affective disorder? Or is that depression? Or, you know, am I like in despair and I just don't want to live on? Like, I couldn't differentiate what I was feeling.

and the emotions that were coming up. And that's where a lot of my problems stemmed from. modeling your emotions in real time.

It shows your child that emotions are okay. And it teaches them what regulation looks like in the moment. So I know when I start getting overwhelmed and frustrated, like I start getting hot, my heart starts racing. It's like a buildup of what you think is anger, you know? But it's just overwhelm and frustration for me.

And then I'm like, okay, guys, need you to all go. I need you to go. This is too much for me. I'm trying to cook dinner. I'm trying to do this. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be authentic. just has to just just allowing you yourself to feel those emotions in front of them. Like I don't want my kids thinking anger is a bad emotion. It's not. It is trying to tell you something. It's trying to tell you that maybe feel betrayed or

Maybe you feel like your boundary was broken or maybe you're angry because somebody lied to you. Like anger is telling you something and we need to teach our kids and us even how to understand what it's trying to tell us. Number two, it could look like repairing after you lose it. So what I just told you, like I shouldn't have yelled. That wasn't fair to you. I was feeling overwhelmed and I did not handle it well.

I am working on doing better. I will tell you guys, I tell my kids sorry so much. I am so sorry. And I always tell them, I'm doing the best I can. I'm really working on doing better. Even adults have a hard time handling their emotions. And I tell my children that a lot. Just remind yourself.

Repair is more powerful than perfection. You don't have to be perfect. And in fact, when you are being imperfect, just repair it. Don't let it go too long. I literally maybe 10 minutes to an hour. And then I'll, I'm like, I already know, like I know I'm gonna have to apologize right away, but sometimes I need a minute. Sometimes I need an hour.

Sometimes I got really, really upset because they really truly did do something that made me upset. And so number three, regulate yourself first.

So Dr. Dan Siegel, he teaches and practices something called Name It to Tame It. And so we wanna label the emotion. So I'm feeling anxious, I'm feeling irritated, I'm feeling so ecstatic or excited or scared. This activates your prefrontal cortex and helps your brain.

regulate because you've named it and it's not scary anymore or out of control and you're able to regulate and calm yourself. It's a chemical like activation. It's just guys we're amazing creatures. Another thing number four you can teach emotion words and empathy. So like right now my oldest is having issues with friends at school.

And this is really hard for me because I have had those same issues at that age, right? Fifth grade is really hard.

going into middle school.

Maybe your son or daughter tells you a story and you kind of say, it looks like your friend felt left out. That's hard. What could we do next time? What could you do next time? A lot of these are geared towards a little younger kids, because my oldest is 11, but then my youngest, know, four, almost two and nine. What could we do next time? Or, you know, what could you do to like include your friend?

And then number five, reflect on your triggers. So really understand that self-awareness piece of what triggers you. Ask yourself, what's making this feel so big for me? Because often, like our reactions are rooted in our unmet needs or old wounds, not our child's behavior. And me with my girls, I had so many unmet

emotional and mental needs as a young girl. So when I see them acting maybe how I acted or trying to meet the needs that I never got met, those are triggering for me. Like my 11 year old's attitude. Just she's so spicy, but she's just so kind and loving too. So it's me.

most of the time that is activated by the way she's acting but it's not just the way she's acting it's my unmet needs.

Okay, so.

work. I literally started in: 2016

and it'll be a forever journey. And I'm so thankful for that. I get to learn every day. I get to learn how to be a better parent, a better human, a better me, a better wife, a better friend. It is so cool, guys. Your child doesn't need a perfect parent. They need a present one. One who has these conversations with them. Just keep going. You're doing such amazing work and...

It's just like one of the hardest jobs ever. god, my hairs. Anybody else have these like little hairs in the back? I had this horrendous, I know, I'm sorry. I'm ending the episode, but I just had to point this out, because I'm also, take videos, you guys, or I do the video as well and put it on YouTube. I got a horrendous haircut in September or November by this horrendous hair salon.

And when I went back to have them fix it and I was crying, I was like almost inconsolable. She's like, that's not even bad. Stop crying. You don't need to cry. But literally, if you're watching this video, how short my ends are, this is like since September and I still can't put it up in my bun. Okay, so I have these little ugly hairs in the back. Like they're always just flapping around like this.

Anyways, I got this out just in case you're Wanted to get a book on emotional intelligence Or this is more geared towards so it's adult children of emotionally immature parents. So I got this for me So learning how to heal from distant rejecting or self-involved parents By Lindsey Gibson

can get it on Amazon. I'll put the link in the show notes. But it's a really great start to kind of understand you and to understand why you are the way you are and why maybe you react instead of respond. Maybe why you're not sure how, maybe you're not able to regulate yet. Maybe you're emotionally wild like I was and just flew by the seat of my pants, flew by the seat of my emotions.

Like my emotions took my life. Like that's all I lived by. So take it from me. Take it from somebody who was a wildly different version of myself. I love who I am now. I love who I was then. And just love yourselves through this process. Doing this work, I know it's like a buzzword, like emotional or

generational, breaking generational habits, generational cycles, whatever. my God, I'm so tired, I can't even think. Sorry guys. But it's not easy work. You're literally trying to fix, well, you first trying to break a chain that has been going on more than one generation, more than two, three, and four. And it is the hardest work you'll probably ever do.

but it is the most important because it affects everything. Your life, your children's life, your family's life. So just know how important, how much important work you're doing. And I'm here cheering you on all the time. I love you guys so much. Make sure to check out the links on the show notes. Join our Facebook group, Empowered Millennial Moms and

I will see you next week.