Talking to Your Partner About Grief: What Helps and What Hurts

Vallen Webb (: 00:01

Hey love, welcome back to another episode of the Life, Loss, and Motherhood podcast. I'm Val and Webb. If you're new here, I am your host. And today, before I jump into the episode, I just wanted to give a shout out to the podcast and you guys because this is our 70th episode, guys. So in two years, we've done 70 episodes, which is phenomenal.

especially as a mom of four and running a business and a podcast and being a stay at home mom, my husband working full time and just all of these things. It's amazing and I wouldn't be doing it without you guys. You guys are the reason I do this. You're the reason, and Evelyn's the reason. I'm just so happy you're here. Okay, let's jump in. Episode 70, love and loss, navigating relationships.

really lost, know, navigating grief together is really, really difficult. And I know firsthand, because when I lost my our daughter, we it like shines a light shines a spotlight on all the things that you've ever avoided in your life and where all the problems are, because issues just start popping up left and right because you haven't dealt with them.

And this grief unlocks, it unleashes this beast of a treasure chest with all of these issues in it. It's really, really wild. So let's really talk about what makes or breaks relationships after loss. And two of those main things are grief. So grieving differently and not knowing that happens.

Like it's so funny because we're all different. Of course we would all grieve differently, but that's not how we think collectively, right? We're like, we're crying. We're, you know, barely functioning. They should be the same way, but that's not how it works. And it's really hard when you're in grief and mourning, you know, trying to understand that. But also the second thing is communication. I think, I think we have failed as a society in, you know, not making communication like,

one of the biggest, I don't know, study points in school and just how to communicate with other people and in relationships and with children and because it's a skill. If we would have started learning this years ago, grief might not be as difficult. Losing someone may not be as difficult. You know how to communicate. You can explain and tell people what you need. You can set boundaries and

Just all of these things, communication is such a pivotal skill that really can change your life. So especially in your marriage or partnerships, losing a child, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, as you know, if you're here and you are a lost mom, it changes everything.

including and specifically how we relate to our partners. it can either, grief can really either bring you really close and you bond and you have this, this new part of your relationship or it can create distance. And often it does a little bit of both because we're humans. Some of us, when we are going through something really hard, we'd like to isolate.

We like to be alone a lot. Again, if we're not able to function, we don't want to be surrounded by people. We may not be able to be, we obviously always have to be parents if we have living children as well, but we may not be able to function in our parent roles. So if you've ever felt like you and your partner are like grieving wrong, signals are crossing, everybody's, you're mad, he's mad, she's mad.

there's no wrong and it can really feel that way. But and it can also feel like you're speaking in a different language and like nobody's understanding you. And I think who wrote the five love languages? I can't think of his name, but he wrote something. I believe he wrote a book on like the five like languages of grief or something, but

There's like a love language for grieving.

I think that's so valuable. And I think again, that's something we need to highlight. I'm gonna have to Google that. if I find it, I will put it in the show notes so that you guys can check it out, because it might be super helpful. So we're kind of gonna discuss how to navigate the differences and give you actual like tangible. When I say tangible guys, it means like action steps, like things you can actually do today.

to really help so that you can walk through this journey together, not separately and not apart. And so the first thing we'll talk about, if you're watching the video, I have my rose quartz in my hand, my ball that I'm just rolling around. I have lot of anxious energy today and I'm trying to calm and... But anyways, the first thing we really, really need to understand is that grief looks different for everybody.

I know I kind of touched on that in the beginning here, but it's a mindset shift that we need to make. Everyone grieves differently. And it's very important to recognize this. One of the biggest sources of conflict in grieving couples is the assumption that the other person should grieve the same way as we do. And let me give you an example. For me and John,

I cried a lot. It was off and on. It would hit me unexpectedly. I was very silent, dissociated, in my head.

trying to ignore the pain, but still wanting to talk about it. So was still trying to process what I was going through internally. And for us, it was very different. John, if you know our story, he was on a seven month deployment when Evelyn was born and died at 40 weeks and five days. So it wasn't expected. didn't, you know, there was nothing wrong.

and he wasn't able to get home until five days later, which coming from Japan and being on a deployment, that's pretty fast, I would say. But in the sense of time that we didn't know our options and all of these things, she was cremated before he got home. So he didn't get to see her, he didn't get to hold her, he didn't get to...

you know, say goodbye to her or create any memories or have any pictures with her. And that, like to me, my heart is just still devastated by that. And I'm really upset because I didn't even think I couldn't think through my grief in the fog in the morning. And I didn't think to ask if the morgue or the funeral home could just hold her for a few days so that he could come home and see her.

It didn't even dawn on me that that could be an option or was an option. So I expected him, you know, to cry, to want to hug me and hold me and all these things. And he didn't want to talk about it at all. He was very stoic in his grief.

If you know anything about being a military member or being a military family, there's a process called reintegration when people, when the service members come home from a deployment. And it can take two or three years for them to totally mesh back into their home life because mission first, like their whole life is about the Navy and the needs of the Navy. And

So he just came back emergency, you know, emergency wise because his baby died. He's leaving this mindset of duty and he's barely functioning. And I was not understanding that. I expected him to, I guess, kind of just suck it up and like, be, be John, be my husband, be the person that, you know, you were before he left. And that's not how it was.

He was very quiet. He was stoic. He just, he couldn't even look me in the eye. And I think that that triggered me the most. I remember a few days after he got home and I just told him, you know, like, I want to have another baby. Like, that's all I want. And I knew that, of course, it would

the next baby would never replace her. I knew that. But it's a thing that we all go through. And he told me, we're never having babies again. We're not having any more babies. And he said that, I couldn't understand why he said that. And I assumed, you know, he was doing it to hurt me or, you know, control me, these types of things. But in his mind, he was terrified that I would die.

or that the baby would die again and I would be hurt again. So the assumptions, know, assumptions are a terrible thing to do when you're grieving. The number one tip I would give you is do not assume anything. Don't assume you know how they're feeling. Don't assume to know, you know, they're not grieving how they should, like,

We need to understand there is no right way to grieve and everybody grieves differently. And I'm gonna say that multiple times.

Just because your partner isn't showing their grief the way you are doesn't mean they aren't feeling it. know, some people are outward, you know, processors. Some people are inward processing. Like for me, I need to speak, whether it's through the podcast, whether it's to myself, whether it's to my husband, like, or my best friends. Like I need to be able to speak it out because then my brain can process it.

When I'm sitting there and internally just sitting in it, I can't see it. I can't see a different perspective of it to be able to process it. I'm too far in it. And then, so this is kind of, this is what I was just saying is like, and research proves this and it shows that partners can fall into one of two categories and that's intuitive grievers. Those are,

me, so like those that express emotions openly, we cry, talk about feelings and need verbal reassurance. A lot of women are that way. And of course there are men that way, I'm not saying there's not. And then instrumental grievers, so they process internally, focus on tasks, stay busy and grieve through actions instead of words, and that was my husband. Of course we would be completely separate type grieve types. And neither is wrong.

But because we were grieving completely different ways and separate ways, I felt so alone. I felt like I was handling everything by myself. I felt like I was holding up the grief of Evelyn by myself. And it was exhausting.

So a mindset shift for you, if you're feeling this way or have felt this way is just to, instead of think they don't care, like, I can't believe they're acting like this, whatever, you need to be like, okay, they grieve differently than me and that's okay. They grieve differently than me and it's okay. They grieve differently than me and that's okay.

Sometimes you need to repeat it and you're gonna have to repeat it when you're triggered by their grief because that is ours to handle. So now that we understand how grief can look different, let's talk about tangible ways to communicate better as a couple while navigating the loss. The first thing you do is, or the first thing you can do is what?

we call active listening without fixing. So.

my god guys, I'm yawning again.

just processing all my grief over here. See, that's the great thing about a podcast. When your partner shares about their grief, how they're feeling, how heavy their emotions are, or conflicted about the duality of the emotions that they're feeling, like feeling grief and sadness and despair, but also being happy and thankful and things like that, resist the urge to fix it.

Remember, as you can feel in your grief or if you've ever lost anybody, is it can't be fixed, right? And we don't need to offer solutions either. Instead, just validate.

When people want advice, they'll often say, like, what do you think about this? you know, what do you, what do you, am I grieving differently? Am I grieving weird? Like, shouldn't I be over this by now? Like, they will really ask for it. And so we just want to validate their feelings. So John, like, I don't want to talk about this right now. I can't, I can't do this right now. I'm going to validate that and be like, okay, babe.

We don't have to talk about it right now. But I'm here for you if and when you do. And I would really like to talk about it when you're ready.

That's it. There's no fighting and arguing. I mean, why would we fight or argue over the fact that he can't process this right now? Now it's different, of course, if somebody is like super avoidant, won't talk about anything, and there's like no getting through to them, John's not that way. He doesn't ever get mad at me for asking.

Here we go. Okay.

So like, here's another like little script. So if John was like, I just feel like I can't breathe some days. The pain is so heavy.

you want to say something like I hear you. That sounds so hard, so incredibly hard. I'm here with you.

Instead of saying this is this would be considered I wouldn't say it's a wrong response But it's not the response they're looking for if they're just needing you to validate them So saying something like you just have to take it one day at a time try to stay busy

You're not validating that they just can barely breathe or move through this pain. So it's not helpful. So validating would be the, hear you. That sounds so hard. I am here with you. That's it. It seems open-ended because it is. We want them to be able to keep going. When you sit, people will spill.

Like if you just sit there, it doesn't need to be awkward or uncomfortable. Just sit there. People will open up like if they feel that you're there with them really listening, they will eventually open like the gate will just open and the water will come rushing out.

So you can also try.

Instead of giving a full response, instead of responding with advice or anything, but more with understanding, you can say, makes sense, I hear you, or I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Those are all valid, you're invalidating how hard this is for them. And so just that mindset shift, grief isn't something to fix, it's something to witness and hold space for. And what does that mean? Literally, just your...

you're sitting in their space, in their energy, in their presence. Maybe you gently, you know, are holding their hand, touching their shoulder, you know, how close, if you're close, if you're besties, if you're family, whatever, it'll determine how you physically engage them. But we just are there to witness. People need to know that others see them and see.

how hard it is. It's called witnessing someone's pain, witnessing grief. We all need that. But a lot of us, we don't even know that's a thing, and we don't know to ask. So the second thing would be recognizing each other's grieving style, and then maybe compromising, right? So like when I was doing the script with John saying he was not ready to talk about this right now.

And I kind of said, I understand. I would love to talk about this so at a time when you're ready, things like that. That's a that's a compromise. But so if one partner wants to talk about the baby often, and the other one finds it too painful, find a compromise that you can both agree to. So you could set an intentional grief time.

So a time when you're sharing openly so it doesn't feel like it's taking over every single conversation. Because some days it will feel like that, like just every other thing, especially on the really heavy, grieving days. So just, I don't know, maybe once a week, twice a week before bed when you wake up in the morning.