Why All-or-Nothing Thinking Is Holding You Back (and What to Do About It)

Vallen Webb (: 00:00

Hey love, welcome to another episode on the mindset shifts for moms podcast. So happy you guys are here. Today we're gonna dive into something that a lot of us struggle with. And I boldly say that because I see moms talking all the time how they're talking, how they feel.

how they struggle with this all or nothing thinking. So, you know, the voice that says, if I can't do it all, not gonna do it. If I can't do it perfectly, then I won't do it. Once everything slows down, then I'll start. When my kids are out of, or when my kids go back to school in the fall, then I can, I'll do it. Does that sound familiar for you? Because it does for me. I am queen.

of all or nothing thinking. It's something that I have struggled with, like as long as I can remember, as long as I can think.

So whether you're mom navigating grief or you're trying to get back into routines, launching a dream or like just trying to survive the day, it's really easy to fall into the trap of thinking we need the perfect time, energy or conditions to begin. But here's the real truth, waiting for perfect is what's keeping you stuck, okay?

So today we're going to talk about why our brain does this, how to recognize a pattern and how to really start shifting it, right? And guys, when I say shifting, it's like changing, okay? Because the real transformation happens in the in-between, in the messy middle of our lives and the everyday redundant, know, repetitive things that we do every day.

not in the black and white extremes like we tend to think. I just wanna give you some examples because I always relate to examples better than I do information being tossed at me. For me, all or nothing thinking, the biggest example I can give you is weight loss. There's a lot of us that struggle with...

you know, it's like we have all this information and we think we know what to do. We just, we don't have the time. Does that sound familiar? We don't have the time. We don't have the financial resources. We don't have, you know, childcare. We don't have whatever it is that we think we need, right, to lose weight, however that looks. So,

hiring a coach or going on a program, a diet program, working out every day, getting our steps in, these types of things. It's so easy to just, it's black or white. So I have all the money, the support, the time to do it, or I don't have these things and I'm not gonna do it at all. What's in that middle?

No, you know, I'll do this today. I can do this the next day and this the next day. It's those little bitty steps that add up for us if we just do it. But let's get a little nerdy for a second because this isn't like just mindset fluff. It's actual brain science and more people feel safe and certainty with science because it's fact.

So again, this is brain science. So our brains, they're hardwired to crave certainty, right? Knowing the outcome, knowing what's gonna happen. Why? Because from the survival standpoint, uncertainty, okay, equals danger. And so our ancestors didn't know if the rustling in the bushes was a rabbit or a lion. So.

The brain evolved.

to prefer predictable, safe outcomes, okay? It's wired that way. Dr. David Rock, he's a neuroscientist and author, he found that uncertainty activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain, okay? Uncertainty, not knowing, feels like physical pain.

So when we experience uncertainty, our amygdala or our fear center where it lights up and then this triggers that anxiety and shuts down the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for the logic and the planning. So right off the bat, it's shutting you down from figuring out a plan on how to do it small, how to do it imperfectly, how to do it messy. That's a brain function. Okay, so.

When we feel certain or like we're in control, we know what we're gonna do, the brain releases dopamine, which is that feel good chemical that tells us, okay, this is safe. So from the get go, we're kind of like two steps behind, right? But anyway, so what does this mean? It means when you're like starting a big project, going after your dream, or even just trying to get out of bed in the morning,

It feels safer to wait, you know, until you have a plan, you have control, you have clarity about your day. That's how the all or nothing mindset sneaks in. I don't have time to do this right, so I'm not gonna do it at all. No, we're gonna be late if we go, so I'm just not going at all. But perfection is just a brain trick to avoid risk.

And although it's a great tool for, you know, really navigating our environments and people and experiences to keep us safe, we have to learn when to take control, right? So.

but let me give you some more examples of the all or nothing. And then I'm gonna tell you a story of what I'm currently going through and that I have to work through every single day. So some of these can look like for you, like I don't have a full hour, so I won't work out. Or for me, I struggle because I'm like, God, it's eight o'clock at night and I'm so tired and I'm not gonna do the whole thing, so I might as well not even do it. That's a me right there.

Or, already ate something unhealthy today, so the whole day's ruined. And then we just go on and eat whatever we want, binging or eating the things that aren't gonna help our goals. Or, if I can't clean the whole house, I'm not even gonna bother. And this is one where I see a lot of moms struggle. And it can even look like my kids are just gonna get it dirty again, so why bother? Right? And it's not wrong. I mean, that's...

It makes sense, right? But this mindset, it keeps us in a paralysis where it feels really safe in that moment, but it feeds procrastination, right? You take forever and forever and ever to make decisions or do the things. You feel shame. know, one of the biggest examples I can give you of the shame part is like moms on the internet who show

that they're struggling and that it's okay to have a messy house and all these things, people are always trying to shame them. Like, it's crazy. It also feeds like unrealistic pressure and these expectations that we can't reach. And ultimately, it creates stagnation where instead of all or nothing, it literally becomes all or never.

That's the cost if we don't figure it out and understand what's going on. We will never get those things done. We will never start.

And what's the cost of that? The danger is that we start to believe that we are the problem, right? That we're lazy, we're unmotivated, we're not disciplined enough.

But in truth, it's your brain protecting you in the only way it knows how.

Of course there are days when we're unmotivated and we're lazy. We're human. Like literally that's allowed. But it doesn't mean you are, right?

It creates pressure and shame cycles that feels impossible to escape. And honestly, I believe, especially for moms and especially for stay at home moms, because we're literally in the house all day. I mean, even going for walks and going to the park and going to the store gets old. It is so easy to sink and just feel like we don't have anything that we need to do the things that we want to do.

And those cycles are dangerous and they're so detrimental to our mental health. And worst of all, you literally stop trusting yourself. this just, it makes me mad that we have to go through this and figure it out. Like, cause nobody told me about this. Nobody knew about this when I was a kid, I don't think. You know, all this neuroscience and psychology.

So what we really need to be doing is reframing the pattern. So I'm so sorry.

Some is better than none. Done is better than perfect. I don't need a plan, I just need to move.

Progress lives in that gray area, in the five minutes, in the baby steps, in the mess. Every big change starts with one tiny shift. And then when you are able to train your brain to tolerate those in-between gray moments without spiraling and getting scared and having that fear, it starts to crave the momentum instead of perfection.

So then instead of waiting for all the perfect conditions, it's like, okay, we've done this for seven days in a row. Let's keep going. We got this. That momentum feels good. Right? And so I want to tell you a story about something I'm going through and how I've reframed it over the last couple of days. This is like really fresh guys. I am part of, it's called the Fit Mom Method.

I don't know if it's like a collective, it's a membership. my coach, Emily, when you're like onboarding, you talk about your goals and the weight that you want to lose or the goals that you have that are non-weight related, know, like movement. for me, I had a lot of body pain. I started last January.

This is very vulnerable for me. I weighed 293 pounds and I was six months postpartum, the heaviest I've ever been. And what was scary is that I gained 22 pounds after I gave birth because my OB and my doctors had me on a thyroid medication but didn't.

give me anymore after I had the baby. And I like, was like three weeks I gained 22 pounds. So it was just all a really scary time. I felt so shameful because I've never weighed that much. And

So it was really hard to start because I'm like, well, I'm already this big. Like, I might as well just let myself go. Because even taking those small steps for me, like, was physically painful. My knees hurt. I had the worst sciatic pain. Like, I would have these episodes where I couldn't get out of bed, like, for days. And laying in the bed made it worse. The only thing that made it better was standing around, standing all day.

Anytime I sat anywhere or laid anywhere, it intensified it. It compressed my vertebrae and it was just, it was terrible guys. And I was so like winded and out of breath and out of shape. But I'm like, I just, didn't want to live this way. I had this vision. I always have of the person that I wanted to be, the woman I wanted to be, the...

body I wanted to have and want to have. Like these are still goals. And so recently, so I've been doing this for over, I mean, I've lost almost 30 pounds in like a year, but I also gave up in that year.

and I stopped doing the membership for a few months and then went back and I re recommitted this January to starting again because I saw great results and I just the accountability you don't realize how much it is it really helps you even if you feel like you're not doing much and so lately sorry guys long story short

We got the flu a few weeks, like two weeks ago, three weeks ago now. I literally couldn't move. I literally couldn't function. So I just stopped doing everything. And then this week was our week coming out of it, like feeling actually 100 % better. And I'm like, God, I'm already behind. I'm just gonna cancel the membership and just, you know, I know what to do.

And that's my certainty, my all or nothing, my black and white coming back. And so then I'm eating something and I was eating a few nights in bed, like at 11 at night, like my Doritos. And I'm like, yep, my nutrition's ruined. I'm gonna gain like 10 pounds by the morning. And this is just pointless. It's just pointless.

is self-sabotaging. And that's what our brain is doing. It doesn't know it's doing it in a bad way. It's just trying to keep us safe. But it feels like we're sabotaging ourself, and it feels like we're giving up. And I want you to know that it's okay if you're there, because I'm gonna give you the tools.

to move out of that space. And that's just really the importance. Luckily, my coaches message me. I have to check off all my things every day. like my calorie deficit, my walking, my water, my workout, and...

I decided like even if I do two of those four or five things every day, that'll be fricking great. Like I'm a mama for, I do this podcast and I own a business and I'm doing in-person postpartum shifts for my families. Like I have so much going on and I can easily just be like no, I just don't have time. I just don't. But I know I will never get.

to the valent, the version of me that I wanna be if I don't. And so for me, it's easier to just do this one or two or three or four or five steps every day for my physical health because my dream is to be able to like run around and chase my kids without knee pain, without back pain, without getting out of breath.

And to look fucking hot. Like, I've always been a bigger woman. I was a big girl, but that's not who I wanted to be. I just didn't know any other way. So, but that's a big version of all or nothing. when you're just gonna throw something out because you just can't commit to it all, just do a little bit. Excuse me.

So let's go a little deeper because sometimes I just, I want you to know, I know it's not just the brain, okay? Sometimes what looks like procrastination can be overwhelmed or grief, which is a real thing. Like I have a lot of sensory things with me. It's like sound and like.

visual chaos, it's very overwhelming and I get stuck. That's real. Or it can be grief.

You're not doing things because you're grieving, because you can't, you have no capacity. And that's real. And then sometimes perfectionism is a trauma response. Because control feels safer than vulnerability.

And a really good example of that is when you're a kid or we're a kid and you're trying to control everybody's emotions around you so that it feels safe and you know that nobody's going to explode, nobody's going to freak out.

that that feels safer than being vulnerable. And then sometimes all or nothing thinking is protecting us from feeling like we failed again.

And if this strikes a nerve for you, like I wanna offer this to you. I want you to ask these questions, okay? When you're not able to do the thing, when you just can't seem to start, you can't seem to build that momentum to move forward. I want you to ask these things. What's actually stopping me from taking action? Okay? What's actually stopping me from taking action?

I want you to be honest, be vulnerable. It's just you. You can rip it up when you're done, throw it away, burn it, whatever. And then what am I afraid will happen if I do this imperfectly?

And an example of this is feeling that if we are not doing something perfectly, somebody's going to judge us. We are so worried about what other people think and how they feel about us.

that can really stop us from doing anything. And I don't want that to be our stories. So what am I afraid will happen if I do this imperfectly? And then the last question, is this resistance coming from my brain or something deeper? Because if you are going through mental health challenges, if you are going through grief and loss, if you are going through...

trauma in your life, like we have to give ourselves grace. And then we know, okay, I'm feeling this way right now. And it's okay. It doesn't mean I'm, you know, throwing in the towel. It's not all or nothing. This is something deeper. Okay, because it's very important to distinguish for ourselves so that we're not judging ourselves unfairly for things we can't do right now.

because our capacity is gone. Okay? So let's close with a few tools that you can use. One is just taking messy action. Okay, so if you want to start getting in 10,000 steps, that's a fucking amazing goal. That's a goal for me. Right now, I'm at 7,000, but have started getting to 8,000. So even if it's a three minute walk, okay?

Even if like, I'm normally taking Bodhi with me in the stroller and I go for a two mile walk. I've trained him that that's what we're doing. And now though, he's starting to get vocal about it. so even go on a 10 minute walk, you know, even if, you know, and then after you can start doing three, four, five minute walk every day, go for two of those. Okay. And if you feel like you don't have the time,

You have to make the time if it's very important to you. Okay? If you're like worried about sending an email to, I don't know, this is one for me. Like I get so nervous to send emails to people that be like, listen, I'd love to collaborate with you. Like, cause I'm not always sure what that looks like. I just feel in my heart that it's right and that I just want to connect with them and I love what they're doing and I want to help or whatever it is. I just get scared and don't do it. Just send that email.

Just send it half drafted, like, would love to collaborate with you. I just love everything you're doing. You make me feel seen and I love that you're helping moms and I would just love to do something with you. Send it like that. You don't have to have it all figured out to do it. Number two, write down a mantra that you can use, okay? I am safe to take imperfect action. Okay, so when I'm doing something, I'm like, no, this is safe, I'm fine.

Val and you're safe. You're allowed to do this. Eating this is not gonna kill the whole day. I can have a snack. I can eat the things I love. It's safe to do this because I have planned for it. And number three, just start asking yourself the question, is this actually true? Like if you're like, God, I'm so lazy or, ugh, I just don't have the time.

or I'm too busy, you know, so is this actually true or is this my brain trying to protect me? Having the awareness of what is going on allows yourself to take the blame off of you if it's the all or nothing because then we know it's our brain. It's not us. Okay. Just remember you don't need a plan.

Not right away, you just need to start. So really let this be your sign. Start now, messy, imperfect, and brave.

And it has helped. I would love it if you would share it with a friend who's stuck in the loop and tag me when you take your tiny brave action today. I would really love to celebrate you. So if you're in the Empowered Millennial Moms Facebook group, which I hope you are, tag me, tell me what you're doing today. And I want to leave you with a quote from Dr. Joe Dispenza. If you don't know who he is, he's an incredible neuroscientist.

psychologists, but listen to the podcasts that he's on. Listen to him speak YouTube videos, go borrow his book from the library or buy it on Amazon. Like his, his take on neuroscience is literally life changing. Okay. But here's a quote. So like feeding a plant or a garden.

to your future every single day. And the delight that comes with that vision causes the brain to literally change over time.

So just a reminder that we don't grow enforcing expectations or waiting for perfection. We grow in the messiness that is our life. When we keep going, when we take one step and then another, when we do one thing every day that will eventually lead us to our dream life or the life that we want. Just remember that. You've got this. I am cheering you on. Thank you so much for tuning into the Mindset Shifts for Moms. If you loved today's episode, join our Facebook group community, Empowered Millennial Moms.

where we continue the conversation, offer support, and really share our daily inspiration. And of course, don't forget to tune in every Friday for a brand new episode. And also keep a lookout for our short mini episodes that give you actionable steps. And those will come out Mondays. So remember, you're wild and worthy always.